Mindful Mondays

If you found your Thanksgiving holiday to be more doing (shopping, cleaning, prepping, cooking, serving, hosting, cleaning again) than being (listening, breathing, walking, seeing things and people in a simpler light, enjoying special moments), there’s still hope for you!

The next round of holidays is just around the corner and now is the time to set an intention to s-l-o-w down! Many people have come to realize how stressful this time of year can be and with a child with ASD, even more so.  While some things are not within your control to change, some are. Here are some tips:

• Think about your traditions and appraise them in the here and now. For example, if you have always sent out holiday cards, ask if this is still meaningful for you and the recipients. Can you update your list of recipients and shorten it? If this year is particularly stressful, consider not sending cards this year and revisiting the issue next year. If you are nagged by “I should” and “I always”, ask yourself what the worst- case scenario would be if you skip this year. Will anyone disown you?
• Decide more is not better. Too often we spend extra time and money on “filler” such as what goes into a child’s stocking. I realized one year that I spent almost as much on the little stuff as I did on the “main present”. My answer was to stuff the lower half of the stocking with new socks and then add a few items on top. If you have many people on your list for gifts, just give one. Radical idea for the kids, I know! But as kids get older, the things they want are smaller and more expensive. There’s no need to buy more just so they have a lot to open. Last year I bombed on a number of items I bought for my family – things they didn’t really need or want. I vowed to recall this next time. It was one gift that made their day.
• Call to mind the small yet meaningful aspects of the holiday. We tend to get caught up in the gift-giving part and breeze past the moments that truly count. It could be the smell of fresh pine or a song that brings back childhood memories. This year decide to pay attention, to notice the small things. Make a mental note of them.
• Set your own pace. Television and the internet will convince you that time and gifts are running out and that you better hurry or else you’ll miss out. Turn it off. Tune it out. Recognize that the purpose of this is to sell something. Slow down and think through your list.
• Refrain from comparing. Expectations tend to be our downfall when it comes to the holidays. We compare ourselves with our own parents, other families, fictitious families on TV, Face Book families (they seem fictitious sometimes too!) and storybook families of holidays long, long ago. Instead of comparisons, think of possibilities. Leave some room for being adaptable to whatever may come your way.

Wishing you love, peace, and quiet this holiday season!

Halloween is just a soggy sweet memory and you know what that means, don’t you? It means that we’ll soon be hearing holiday music in the aisles as we sip our gingerbread lattes.

It’s so easy this time of year to get swept up in the mad rush to THE HOLIDAYS.  Or if you’re like me, you get a little irritated and decide to try and ignore it all. What’s the big hurry?

Now is a good time to set some mindful intentions about what’s to come. Here are some tips for mindful holidays. Stay tuned for more the next couple months.

• Set an intention (or two) for the upcoming holidays. It might sound something like this: “This year I’m going to focus on the meaning of the holiday instead of the marketing of it.”  Or “This year I’ll practice self-compassion when things don’t go as planned.” Or “Knowing there will likely be both stress and joy, I’ll expect some of each and be ok with it.” 
• Make a list of things that have caused you stress in past years. It might be last-minute shopping or accepting too many party invitations or eating too many holiday goodies. Decide which ones you might be able to address ahead of time in order to lessen the stress.
• Enlist the help and support of friends and loved ones by agreeing to slow down and simplify.  This might mean agreeing to a potluck meal instead of doing it all by yourself or the adults agreeing to give to a favorite charity instead of buying gifts for each other.
• Remember that mindfulness means being aware in the present moment. It’s impossible to do this if we’re racing ahead in mind and body.

I love this definition of mindfulness from James Baraz:

“Mindfulness is simply being aware of what is happening right now without wishing it were different; enjoying the pleasant, without holding on when it changes (which it will); being with the unpleasant, without fearing it will always be this way (which it won’t).”

We’re so accustomed to trying to fix things but also moving on to the next bigger and better thing (is that expensive new phone truly that much better than your last one?).  This human propensity tends to lead us to try to fix emotional challenges and when that doesn’t work, we often give up.

 Say, you’ve had a rough day at work or with the kids and are sharing with your partner whose good-intention answer is to problem-solve your feelings. We all know how well that usually works. We don’t want to quit the job and we can’t quit the kids. I know. I’ve tried. We simply want someone to validate feeling badly. So we offer polite thanks-but-no-thanks for the advice or get more upset for not feeling understood.

What we are asking for, in so many words, is a mindful awareness reminder that we can have bad or hard moments (okay sometimes hours) in our days without needing to declare the entire day a disaster and without needing to do anything at all.

Here’s an easy mindfulness exercise for when you’ve had/are having one of those days.

• Get comfortable – this may be sitting or lying down or moving your body.
• Take three deep breaths in and out.
• Say to yourself – I had some hard moments today. I felt/feel (name the feeling(s)).
• Stay with this for a couple-three minutes. You don’t have to relive the day but also don’t resist if it pops up.
• Say Hard moments are part of life.
• Say Tomorrow is a new day.

 That’s it. The point is to validate your feelings without exaggerating, resisting, or judging and with recognition that we all have hard moments. No one is spared.

I recently participated in a thirty-one day Mindfulness Summit, and a handful of presenters were my favorites, including Shamash. I liked his easy-going style and humor and I also just like saying his name. He, like most of the summit speakers, has taught mindfulness for many years and has a book on the subject. While I’ve never cared for the title of this book series, I did enjoy his Mindfulness for  Dummies and will share some of his mindfulness tips.

 Healthy & Helpful Attitude

Shamash tells us that attitude is an important part of mindfulness and that attitude is a choice. Being aware on the attitudes we bring to life – whether it’s marriage or parenting or our work or practicing mindfulness – can affect the outcome in so many situations. We all know people who seem to have a sour outlook on life. Life is not fair. No one has it as hard as I do. Nothing will ever change. Nobody understands. Why do bad things always happen to me? No one likes me. They seem eternally stuck in unhelpful attitudes.

 Shamash identifies these helpful attitudes that are the foundation for a healthy life:

1. Acceptance – not giving up but allowing thoughts, feelings, sensations to exist without resistance
2. Patience – listen more than you talk, choose the closest rather than the shortest line
3. Seeing afresh – try looking at common things with new eyes – what have you missed?
4. Trust – believing that both joys and challenges are temporary/ to be expected helps build trust that things are okay
5. Curiosity – ask lots of questions about thoughts/feelings/sensations “I wonder what this is about?”
6. Letting go – First realize what you’re holding onto. Doing so helps to let it go.
7. Developing kindness – non-judgment of self and others
8. Appreciating Heartfulness – pay attention to whatever brings you warmth and happiness
9. Gratitude – even if not perfect, acknowledge the good there is to your life
10. Forgiveness – for self and others – acknowledge being human and that we all are imperfect

 Now imagine the opposite attitude of some or all of the above. Identify which of these attitudes you might need a little work on. See if it makes a difference.

Ten Mindfulness Tips from Olympic Runner Deena Kastor

While most of us aren’t bronze medalists, we all have goals and a desire to be the best we can be. I found this article by Michael Sandler and Jessica Lee on mindfulness in HuffPost. Here are Deena’s ten tips. 

1. Live a Quality, Purposeful Life
2. Live with an Attitude of Gratitude 
3. Practice Positivity and Purposefulness
4. See Challenges as Opportunities
5. Focus on Your Passion
6. Live with Continuous Improvement 
7. Be Excited about Life
8. Get Enough Rest
9. Turn Nervousness into Excitement
10. Take Things One Step at a Time

Click here for the link for the entire article.  It’s worth reading. I love this line: “I truly believe my fastest days are behind me and my best days are ahead!”

Metta and Tonglen

Loving Kindness for All

The practice of metta, loving kindness, as taught in Buddhist tradition, begins with self and radiates out to all. This may be easy when life is good and things are going our way. But what about when life is hard and things are not going our way? The challenge is to act with compassion no matter the circumstances.

Metta Exercise

Sit comfortably and quietly and take a few deep breaths in and out. Hold in your mind all the people you are sending unconditional love. Feel it extending from you to these people and then throughout the universe. Say to yourself, “May all feel peace. May all be happy.” Or come up with our own good wishes.

Tonglen

Tonglen is Tibetan for “giving and taking” or “sending and receiving” and is practiced as a meditation focused on developing/nurturing compassion and the unselfish regard for others.

Tonglen Exercise

Sit comfortably and quietly and allow your mind to be still yet open. Take some deep breaths in and out. Call to mind someone (can be an individual or group of people) who you know are struggling. With each inhalation, take in their struggle and in doing so, provide them relief. On the exhalation, wish for them peace, sleep, relaxation, insight, patience, courage, love – whatever you think they might need. Do this a couple, three times.

Quote of the Week

“A human being is a part of the whole, called by us ‘Universe’, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.”  ~Albert Einstein

Meditation

No More Excuses

If you’ve told yourself you want to give meditation a try but find you have more excuses than mindful moments under your belt, here are some tips from Redbook magazine and Timothy McCall, MD:

“I don’t have time.”

You don’t need to do 10 minutes a day. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. Start somewhere! It’s easier if you pick a time of day and stick with it. Upon waking or at day’s end are the most common but you can meditate any time of day.

“I can’t turn my brain off.”

You don’t have to! The goal isn’t to stop thoughts. That’s impossible. Don’t fight them but also don’t dive in. Just let them pass through like traffic in the background.

“I tried it once and nothing happened.”

Not every second of a ten minute meditation needs to be deep. Even if you only get 30 seconds of that time immersed in the process, you still have benefit. Your heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing will slow and you are becoming more mindful.

Beginning Meditation Exercise

Sit comfortably but with your back straight – on the floor against a wall, in a chair, even in bed but sit upright. Have a watch or clock or phone (turn it off!) nearby.

With eyes open and a soft focus, take a few deep breaths, feeling your chest rise and fall. Breath deeply so that if someone were next to you they could hear you breathing.

Gently close your eyes and notice the sounds around you. Don’t try and block them but also don’t hyper-focus on them. Just notice them.

Notice how your body feels, scanning from head to toe. Any discomfort or tightness? Don’t block it or hyper-focus on it, just draw your attention to wherever you feel it. You may find your self taking a deep breath or repositioning yourself as you do this.

Breathe naturally and as you inhale, think “in” and as you exhale think “out”. Your mind will wander, thoughts will intrude. That’s A-OK and to be expected. Don’t try and block the thoughts, just notice them and return to “in” and “out”. Some people prefer to focus on a mantra, a word or sound that is repeated over and over. If you prefer a mantra, choose a word or sound that doesn’t have an association for you. For example, if I think “love”, I will automatically call to mind all the people I love and lost love and why we love and on and on. If I choose a non-word, a sound such as “umba”, there is no association to divert my attention.

A key component of meditation is nonjudgment so if you have thoughts or feelings such as “What’s wrong with me, I can’t do this right!” just notice them and let them pass. Remember that the first time you do anything, you are learning and it will take practice.

After a few minutes of focusing on your breath, draw your attention back to your body. Do a body scan and note how you feel.

Notice any sounds or smells.

Gently open your eyes and stretch.

Quote of the Week

“At the end of the day, let there be no excuses, no explanations, no regrets.” ― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free

The Pause That Refreshes

In our crazy busy lives, we don’t often pause.

Stop. Halt. Cease. Be.

We go. Move. Hurry. Worry. Do.

How do we even begin to slow down?

One small step at a time.

Mindful Exercise (from Rubin Naiman, PhD in a year of Living Mindfully)

At a time when you feel calm, jot down a few situations that caused moderate to significant reaction – perhaps irritation, anger, anxiety. Could be getting the kids out the door. Or being stuck in traffic. Or feeling burned out at work. Think of ones that tend to recur. 

Select one and for the next week, have the intention of pausing inwardly in the midst of the situation if/when it recurs. For no more than 60 seconds, try to offer a nonjudgmental, neutral appraisal of what’s happening. Take deep breaths. Notice how your body feels. Instead of “I’m going to be late for work again!” try, “Traffic is bad today. I’ll get to work when I get to work”. 

See if you notice any difference between reactivity vs mindful awareness. With practice, you will. 

Quote of the week:

“Life is lived in the pauses, not the events.” – Hugh Prather, Morning Notes: 365 Meditations to Wake You Up

Resilience

We hear a lot about resilience, the ability to bounce back from adversity whether it is a devastating loss or the many smaller stresses we live with each day. TIME (Bounce Back, Mandy Oaklander, June 1, 2015) cites the work of two psychiatrists, Dennis Charney, dean of the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai in New York City and Steven Southwick, a professor of psychiatry at the Yale School of Medicine. “Resilient people seem to have the capacity to appropriately regulate the subcortical fear circuits under conditions of stress,” says Charney. The article cites research in the area including recent studies on the effect of mindfulness practices on building resilience.

Expert Tips for Resilience (from TIME Bounce Back)

1. Develop a core set of values that nothing can shake.
2. Try to find meaning in whatever stressful or traumatic thing has happened.
3. Try to maintain a positive outlook.
4. Take cues from someone who is especially resilient.
5. Don’t run from things that scare you. Face them.
6. Be quick to reach out for support when things go haywire.
7. Learn new things as often as you can.
8. Find an exercise regimen you’ll stick to.
9. Don’t beat yourself up or dwell on the past.
10. Recognize what makes you uniquely strong. And own it.

Quote of the week:

“Very few highly resilient individuals are strong in and by themselves. You need support.”  ~Steven Southwick, MD

A Higher Sense of Self

In a year of Living with more Compassion, Michael Yapko, PhD uses the term,” a higher sense of self” to refer to the small but important gestures we make when showing compassion for self and others. This might be getting up a few minutes earlier to make a lunch for your spouse, taking the time from your busy day to acknowledge a friend or colleague, or  “catching yourself” when upset with someone before saying something unkind. All of these are demonstrations of a higher sense of self.

Exercise

Write down examples of the small gestures you’ve extended to yourself or others this week. Note your feelings. For example, you might have felt upset with someone but later proud that you refrained from saying something unkind. Or you may have felt stressed about being able to do something nice for your spouse but after getting up earlier and still getting to work on time, glad that you made the effort. Another exercise is to pay attention to the gestures of others and if appropriate, let them know your observation.

Quote of the week

 “If you can talk, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance.”    ~Tribal Saying, Zimbabwe